Why Avoidant And Anxious Partners Find It Hard To Split Up

the moment a woman understands that she can subconsciously manipulate you based off of her emotions she's lost respect for you and it happened over and over again in my relationship and I didn't know exactly how to communicate it so because I didn't understand how to create boundaries every single time I piece I just created big ass walls big ass walls because if she can't come in then I won't be hurt [Music] many relationships don't work long term wise because one is you usually avoidant and the other one is usually anxious and you wonder why why even though it does not work why is it that it is so difficult why is it that you don't know how to deal with conflict or you just get angry you build up walls why is it do you avoidant and action anxious Partners find a very hard and difficult to actually split up with now here's the very interesting thing for me I am an avoidant attachment style my ex was an anxious attachment style right and no matter how many bad our arguments got we always found it difficult to split up and here's why from my point of view okay so what did my anxious anxiety come from now my anxious where did my avoidant attachment style come from so essentially what happened is when my mom would go ahead and be emotional because she's a woman and every single month she had her period right so my dad didn't understand how to actually deal with that and Through Time if you don't understand how to deal with arguments or conflicts with a woman that's naturally hormonal and naturally will have abs and flows in her emotion you start kind of wanting to avoid that because you don't know exactly what to do in this situation so you just start kind of retreating so how my dad kind of did it is through work or just drinking right he was he was like drinking alcohol when I was like younger right so that's what I was taught whenever the woman that is that I was dating started just getting more and more hormonal essentially what I would do is I would just do whatever I could which was start avoiding her and start throwing all my folks on work right just throwing all my folks on work which obviously should freak out so she'd get more and more needy and then I would just want to go ahead and run away even more so and it creates like this kind of Dynamic where someone needs to run away for the person to want to actually Chase and it's like this Dynamic where you're just so used to it because that's what your parents are so used to as well like if you look at for example her situation with her father her father wasn't existing right so obviously she had this abandonment wound this abandonment wound where deep down she now feels anxious because now the person that she's with she doesn't know here's a person that should have loved me so much because he created me but he's not there so it's kind of like this weird meaning you give it as a kid so she'll always be anxious She'll always be anxious every single little thing like if I'm gone for a week she'd freak out she would literally freak out every single time I was like distant she would go ahead and freak out but every single time she would freak out guess what I want to do I would run I would want to run away run away oh look at this someone's running away someone's chasing someone's running away someone's chasing and what was familiar to her she started bringing to the relationship same way how was familiar to me I started bringing into the relationship and now you have you know someone chasing each other and someone running away I needed someone to chase me he needed she needed someone to go ahead and run away and again people so get used to this right so what actually ended up happening right so for example guilt and shame for my parents my parents had an avoiding an anxious attachment style as well so of course I became used to it right like if your parents had an anxious and an anxious and a avoidant style you're probably gonna have it like it's just how it is and the problem is is most people have parents that have that most parents had I don't know like moms that were very anxious and then dads who when the mom got anxious became very avoidant and just threw himself into work threw himself into work threw himself into work threw himself and worked in the kid the child looks up to that and they're like oh well this is exactly how love is because Mom and Dad are together and they love me because they created me but yet this is how you communicate right mom gets anxious when she wants something dad becomes avoidant when he wants something and then you adopt that definition in that meeting of actions and behaviors that you do kind of like whenever something happens like oh a conflict oh here's a conflict here's a challenge here's a problem what are the behaviors of the people that I love the most mom becomes anxious until she gets what she wants dad becomes avoidant until he gets what he wants and you adopt that you adopt that it's kind of sick but a little bit amusing because it's like how can we not see this oh it's because we're too close to it right and here's the thing right every single time that my girl would get more and more anxious more and more anxious and I would get more and more avoided more and more avoidant I also started feeling guilt and shame for wanting to avoid so essentially after time in space I would always come back I would always come back and then we'd be together and then we'd make love and it would taste it would feel so good and it just Cycles over and over and over again it Cycles over and over and over again and also I felt responsible for her trauma her dad was not existent and if I were to leave I felt guilty that I would be just like her father right if I were to leave I would have felt guilty that I would have reminded her just like her father but you don't understand that the behaviors you have will push the other person to become like your opposite sex parent like for example in my situation what was I used to I was used to my mom leading and my dad kind of like following so essentially when I was in this relationship it doesn't matter how good of a girl she was I would have essentially pushed her into the leadership role because that's what I was used to for my parents and for example for her and her situation it didn't matter who I was what I knew about personal development or what I did not know because she is so used to her father not being present and because she didn't overcome that trauma yet herself she was always getting more and more anxious which that behavior had no other choice but for me to want to spend less time around her does it make sense like you literally push your partner into the opposite sex parent relationship that you had with your parents right so we were literally pushing each other to become the worst version of ourselves from the worst versions that we were taught from like for example our parents when they had conflict and argument now obviously this